Lactation Advice

As young men we make the transition from Gi Joe and tree forts to a complete infatuation with breasts in approximately 12 minutes. It happens at different times depending on the person, lifestyle, and various other factors, but it happens quickly. One morning you wake up, go to school and they are there. Girls with breasts. You don't know where they came from or what you would possibly do with them, but they are there and they are a prize to be won.

Men talk about them, women have them, and at some point they help to define the differences between male and female.

Then your wife has a baby, and the boobs go to work. Your wife has a baby and the topic of breasts, and lactation as it were (come to find out the whole reason women tote these things around their whole lives) becomes center stage. You'll talk about them at home, at work, people will even ask you about them. A complete 180 degree turn from your adolescence.

What is even more amazing is what occurs at the doctors office. I fully expected the doctor (both pediatrician and OB/GYN) to ask about the breast feeding and how it is going. What I didn't expect was that they will ask, they will demonstrate on themselves, they will even grab your wife's breasts. The breast makes a complete transition from sexual object to tool. A utility of life. I guess what is so flabbergasting about this is that I can't for the life of me think of an instance where this would occur in the male experience. I will never go to the doctor and for any reason have him grab his testicles. This just wouldn't happen. If I am in a small room with another man (with the possibility of a prostate check in the air) and he even makes the slightest gesture towards his testicles. I will be out of there like I was fired from a cannon.

Nevertheless, my wife continues to be a stoic soldier on the battlefront of child care. Taking in stride everything the child, the doctors, and her bumbling husband can throw at her. Rarely complaining and never giving anything but her all. There is a reason women were given this duty, and I suspect that it has something to do with men folding like lawn chairs if given that responsibility.

First Time Fathering

Christmas brought a special gift this year in the form of my daughter, Sally, a 7 lb. bundle of pooping crying fun born Dec. 18th. I say this with the utmost respect and pure excitement to begin fatherhood.

In fact, I have taken to diaper changes. With the appropriate setup and attitude one can change a diaper in under thirty seconds. This benefits both parent and child. Of course I have no other subjects then my daughter, but she has made it abundantly clear that being naked is not in her life plan. This is OK with me on many levels. But it also precipitates the need for fast diaper changes to avoid a crying scared baby. I have been working on my technique and have been pulling consistent sub-30 times recently. Fatherhood is going to be fun.

The other benefit to a quick diaper change is the decreased chance of an uncontained explosion. I haven't seen explosions of this magnitude since I left the service. It is amazing the audible violence that accompanies a diaper blow out. Even at 2 weeks of age I have witnessed, nay been victim to, multiple diaper blowouts. This is where the poo actually blows through the side of the diaper like a stinky claymore. Truly a sight.

I haven't a clue what my daughter has in store for me in the future. My wife and I call ourselves "Seat-of-the Pants Parents," because we are learning as we go. I assume this is how most have learned parenting. I suspect it is going to get harder before it gets easier. But as we proceed I will keep handy the Marine ethos of "Adapting and Overcoming," and as for future diaper blowouts all I can do is, keep my head down.